Just as there are types of parents who are prone to impulsive decision making, certain physiological and psychological conditions can make children vulnerable to impulsiveness. It is worthwhile determining your trouble teen’s mood before engaging in conflict with him. By ministering to his state of mind before conflict, you can reduce your child’s emotional upset.
The model for this comes from Alcoholics Anonymous (AA), which encourages recovering alcoholics to maintain emotional sobriety so they don’t put their substance sobriety at risk. I define emotional sobriety as a state in which feelings are honestly acknowledged and openly expressed but not allowed to do a person’s thinking for them. It is critical for people in recovery to learn emotional sobriety because addictive behavior supports the habit of immediate gratification and impulsive decision making, of giving in to urgent wants and feelings no matter how self-destructive.
In addition to supporting abstinence, the twelve-step program teaches people in recovery to resist the urgings of impulse and emotion, to delay action for thought, to consult better judgment before making decisions. AA uses the acronym HALT: Never let yourself get Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired. I have given this advice to parents of a sensitive or volatile child to help them reduce his emotional explosiveness.
“Before you enter into disagreement with him about chores,” I suggest, “check out his physical and psychological condition. Is he irritable from being hungry? If so, give him a snack before you set him to work. Is he aggrieved from already being angry? If so, listen to what recently happened at school that he still feels frustrated or resentful about. Is he feeling disconnected, anxious, and lonely? If so, take a few minutes to do something fun together. Is he cranky because he is tired? If so, let him rest.”
Conditions that commonly contribute to a child’s lack of well-being, such as hunger, anger, loneliness, and being tired, can increase the likelihood of conflict. It behooves us as parents to heed
that piece of folk wisdom “Don’t pull the tail of the tiger.” Parents must be mature and sensitive enough to know not to argue when either they or the child is upset and emotion rules the moment. When we are upset, acting on what feels right can do a lot of wrong. Sometimes judicious timing, waiting for feelings to settle down, finding out what those feelings are, can pay big dividends by encouraging the child’s cooperation.
Parents can be caught off guard when an intense adolescent is pressing to resolve a disagreement so he can do something or go somewhere right now. But you are not locked in to that emotional moment. If your high school student tells you that she “has to have” permission and money to go to a concert this weekend, rather than fight it out now, you can break tension and slow decision making down. “Give me a separation for now and then we’ll talk some more tonight, because this does sound like something important to discuss. I am not walking out on you; I just need time to think.”
Sometimes it’s the teenager who exercises better judgment. At the point where her parents are getting angrier and she is also ready to explode, the daughter may choose to walk away to break the tension and calm down: “We need to talk about this later when we’re not upset. I’m going to my room.” Sometimes the parent refuses to give his daughter the timeout. “Where are you going? Don’t you turn your back on me! Don’t you dare walk away until I’m finished with you!” But she is already in her bedroom, with the door closed. Infuriated, the parent follows after and pushes open her door, yelling,
“This argument will end when I am done talking and not before!” Now, denied the cooling off she was seeking, she screams at him. “You have no right to burst into my room like that. Get out! I hate you.” Unhappily, in this situation, there is little chance for mending. They both say things they will later regret, may apologize for, but can never take back.