Consider the example of a high school student who is forbidden to attend a college fraternity party because her parents believe she is too young. The teenager contests but then grudgingly accepts their decision. Partly in deference to their authority, partly in recognition of past freedoms they have allowed, and partly in appreciation of their love for her, she gives in. The most persuasive factor to her, however, is how her parents conducted the disagreement—in a respectful, sensitive way.
Her parents listened to her point of view and took it seriously. They understood why attending was so important to her. They accepted how strong her feelings were, and they empathized with her disappointment at not being allowed to go. In consequence, she felt that she received a fair hearing. Equally important, she listened to her parents and understood why they said no. She understood the risks they foresaw, even though she did not agree that these concerns were fully justified.
Now she and her parents know a little more about each other than they did before, and feel better known to each other. Their relationship feels stronger as a result. The resolution was not perfect since both sides have some regret: The parents regret they could not consent to what their daughter wanted, and she regrets what she will miss.
In this conflict, these parents kept their priorities straight. First, they sought understanding; second, they treated disagreement non-judgmentally; third, they expressed empathy; and fourth, they worked for resolution. I believe this is the best way for parents to proceed in conflict with a child of any talking age. Instead of automatically tuning your child out, arguing with him, or ordering him to stop talking, treat conflict with your child as a chance to communicate.
Draw her out with questions. “Can you tell me more?” “Can you help me better understand?” Instead of criticizing, show appreciation for opposing opinions. “You and I really see this issue differently.” Now you have a basis to empathetically connect with the child and express sincere concern. “Can you tell me how all of this makes you feel?” And finally, start the process of resolution. “Let’s see what we can work out.”
When parents believe the primary objective in conflict with their out of control teens is to win their way, then they have already lost. They have lost the opportunity for communication that a difference in wants, values, or perceptions has created. Disagreements between parent and child do not mean there is something they can’t talk about. It means that there is something they need to talk about. There is much at stake.
The child is an adult in training, learning from his parents relationship skills (such as how to conduct conflict) that he will take with him into adulthood. If he learns as a child to win disagreements by any means or to avoid them at all costs, this is how he is likely to treat conflict with a partner, and perhaps his children, when he is older. Parents must be mindful that conflict is not something they have with their child; it is something they do with their child. Conflict is a performance act. Every time they engage in conflict with their child, they are teaching him by example and interaction how to manage conflict.
Habits become established through repetition. So on each occasion of conflict, parents must model behavior that they want their child to learn. A parent who verbally threatens, emotionally bullies, or physically forces a young child into submission may win the battle, but the means severely compromise the end—the well-being of the relationship.
A parent who uses intimidation and coercion loses some loving standing and trust in the child’s eyes. Perhaps the parent has also unwittingly taught the child some tactics that will later be used by the teenager against the adult.