The most destructive form of judgmental labeling is name-calling. Not only does it hurt the person being named, but the name-caller often feels justified in treating the other person accordingly. Your nine-year-old calls his younger brother an idiot and then proceeds to treat him like one.
He makes fun of everything the younger boy says. Or the frustrated dad says to his academically unmotivated out of control teen girl, “I give up on you! You’ll never succeed in anything because you’re just like all your loser friends!” And the man abandons this daughter and shifts more attention to her high-achieving younger sister. The no name-calling rule also applies to parents of younger children. The parent who can’t stand it when his six-year-old cries over a lost toy should not say: “If you’re going to act like a cry baby, then I’ll really give you something to cry
about!”
Child abuse, cruel playground teasing, and the commission of most hate crimes depend on name-calling to pave the way to violence. Calling someone a hateful name can often motivate hateful treatment that follows. This is how we treat trash like you! Name-calling can start very young. For example, the frustrated four-year-old yells at his mother, “You’re a stupid-head!” and then slaps her in the face.
In the angry moment, the child may believe that it is okay to hit a parent who is acting like a stupid-head. Now is a good time for a serious discussion about the power of name-calling, the harmful permission it can give, and acceptable alternatives for expressing anger. “When you are angry, tell me that you are and we can talk about it. But, please, no name-calling. It hurts my feelings, and it encouraged you to treat me in ways that we don’t allow in this family. In this family, no one is allowed to hit anyone!”
It’s worth keeping this riddle in mind: When they fight, what do humans and other animals have in common? Answer? They all fight with their mouths. But animals use sharp teeth; for people sharp words are the weapon of choice. We are all misled when we are young by the old adage that is still in play: “Sticks and stones can break my bones, but words can never hurt me.” This is not true. In human conflict, words do most of the damage, and name-calling does the most damage of all. In addition to forsaking the use of abstractions, labels, and judgments in conflict, parents may also want to limit the use of negative commands.