Conflict depends on the principle of cooperation: For the creation, conduct, and resolution of all family conflicts (between parents, parent and child, siblings) the participation of opposing parties is required. By accepting individual responsibility for their share in this cooperation, parents and out of control teens can influence the process and outcome of what occurs. If they cast off that responsibility by blaming each other, however, an amicable resolution will likely be impossible to reach.
Think of it this way. Despite appearances to the contrary, no human conflict ever really starts between people: It starts within people. Each person makes a judgment that some issue is worth contesting and then decides to engage the other party in a response. The younger sister says to herself, “I don’t like it that my brother hit me, and I’m going to hit him back.”
Or consider the angry parent who is determined to “make” a silent child reveal what is bothering her because not knowing is bothering him. “If you don’t tell me what’s going on, you are going to bed early!” But angry demands only yield a more sullen response from the child.
It is better for the parent to explain that when she won’t say what is upsetting her, it leaves him wondering what is amiss. He can only guess what the matter is, will probably guess wrong, and perhaps act on that misunderstanding in ways she won’t like. “How can I help you feel better if you won’t tell me what’s wrong? I bet it’s that you got into more trouble with the teacher today. I’m going to call her tonight.” Now the child blurts out that her friend was mean to her on the playground today.
The parent who was prepared for conflict because he felt shut out can now offer comfort instead. What a person is thinking in the moment is the primary influence on whether she decides to initiate or collaborate in conflict. If you have a young child who continually gets into fights on the playground, take time to find out what he is thinking before he fights. Instead of punishing him for fighting, show him how he can choose to react in a way that does not automatically direct him into youthful combat.
You might say, “When someone hurts your feelings, you think that you must hurt the person back. That’s one way to react, but there are others. Let’s talk about what those might be. You could let the person know you feel hurt and you could talk about it, or you might decide he didn’t mean to hurt your feelings and let it go.” Another level of thought involved in conflict is deciding whether engaging in it is worthwhile.
If one party decides that it is not worthwhile or thinks that it is but the risks of engagement are too great, the internal requirements for conflict will not be met. The younger brother who is upset that his surly older sister has once again deliberately been mean to him decides the better part of wisdom is not to retaliate. Why give his sister the fight he knows she is spoiling for?
People are geared differently for conflict. Some people, child and adult, love to pick fights for the love of the contest. Then there are those who see little value in it, who can ignore the goading, mostly judging it not worth the energy to argue. Readiness for conflict is a matter of internal choice, which can often be the result of conflicts within oneself.
For example, a child who feels unhappy over not standing up to his tormenters at school and wishes he had defended himself instead may pick a fight with a younger sibling at home later to act out his hurt, angry feelings.
Another example of the way internal conflict begets external conflict is teenage rebelliousness. Many parents misunderstand this, treating rebellious behavior as opposition directed against them personally, when it is not. The adolescent is actually in conflict with the compliant child she used to be and acts out against her parents in order to redefine herself on more independent terms. She wants to change herself and does so by challenging their authority. Teenage rebellious behavior is also a good example of how conflict can only begin when someone decides to lodge a complaint. A teenager’s decision to object to something her parents are doing is only one of a series of choices required for an active conflict to unfold.